Musk is two little boys in a man suit
Truth: REVEALED
Readers, I’ve cracked it, I’ve smashed through the looking glass and worked out what the hell is happening with Elon Musk.
Getting here wasn’t easy, lord knows it wasn’t easy; involving, as it did, the sort of detective work that’d convince Philip Marlowe to retire. But it’s done. It’s over. The truth is now longer out there, it’s right here…
Elon Musk is really two little boys in a man suit.
X: The great reveal
One recent event blew this case wide open: Musk rebranding Twitter to X.
The story itself may be simple on the surface, yet it contains monstrously dumb depths. It goes as such, the man who paid $44bn for Twitter and its brand no longer wants to use the globally-recognisable Twitter brand.
Instead he wants to create a new brand for Twitter, one with a new logo and a new approach and new visuals. And that brand? X.
When I read about this, I didn’t immediately come to the conclusion that Musk is two little boys in man suit, but it did lead me down the path to this realisation.
Let us, like the quality detectives we are, rifle through the evidence.
First off, the name: X. What adult thinks X is a cool letter? It is, as we can all plainly see, merely a letter.
Yes, it had a moment in the 90s (Generation X, The X Games, X-Files, and so on), but it now has the same cultural cache as putting a lowercase i in front of words (iPod, iGeneration, etc.). It is tired. It is over. It is done.
Surely a man, a real man, a serious man, a man with all his senses intact, a man who can be trusted, a man who’s definitely not two little boys in a man suit wouldn’t name a company X.
Then, we have the logo itself:
Rather than being an actual, you know, bit of design, this is literally an X pulled from a font pack — specifically Special Alphabets 4.
But the befuddlement intensifies.
There could be dire legal ramifications for Twitter rebranding as X, as Meta has trademarked the name for “social networking services in the fields of entertainment, gaming and application development.”
To sum it up, Musk changed the name of his iconic site to a single letter with a stolen logo without checking whether he could actually do that.
This wrinkled my smooth, smooth brain. How could Musk, someone touted as a business genius, make these sort of idiotic decisions?
And then it hit me like prime Tyson: if two little boys in a man suit were going to rebrand a company, this is exactly how they’d do it.
Pre-teens think the letter X is cool. Children would steal a logo from a font pack because they don’t know any better. Two little boys in a man suit wouldn’t have the foggiest about trademark law.
It fitted. Almost too well. Suspiciously so, meaning I had to go back in time to see if the theory holds up.
Next point: Musk’s obsession with 69 and 420
It all makes sense now, right?
I mean, why else would a 52-year-old CEO be hooked on the sort of jokes that teenagers find cringe?
Because, my oh my, if there’s one thing Musk loves it’s referencing 69 and 420 again and again and again and again and again.
It gets worse. Musk had to actually go to court to defend a “joke” he made about taking Tesla private at a cost of $420 per stock.
He simply won’t stop, no matter how unfunny these ‘japes’ are.
Is it that he can’t read the room? That he has no sense of humour? Or, indeed, is the truth that he’s simply two little boys in a man suit who find this the funniest thing in the world?
Puerile insults, the Musk story
Another aspect of Elon’s personality that was hard to square before this revelation was his propensity for schoolyard insults.
These aren’t the kind of wittily cruel barbs writers like Faulkner and Hemingway fired at each other, instead they’re calling a diver who saved a Thai boys’ football team a “pedo guy,” or making it so anyone who contacted Twitter’s press email received a poop emoji.
And when Musk challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a fight? We should’ve known. The signs were there it was prepubescence in action.
The only way it could’ve been clearer that Musk is two little boys in a man suit is if he said his dad could beat up Zuckerberg’s.
Finally, the photo evidence
Feast your peepers on this:
Are you telling me there aren’t two little boys hiding in that cavernous torso? Don’t be ridiculous. This is clearly a photo of two little boys in a man suit.
We should’ve noticed earlier
All the signs were there, we only have ourselves to blame for letting things get this far.
At least now we have an explanation for Elon Musk’s behaviour. He can’t be expected to act like an adult, how could he? He’s just two little boys in a man suit.
One question before we go though… does this make Grimes a pedo guy?