Musk must run all the things

The world works better with Elon involved

Yes. Yes! Yes! YES!! YYYEEEESSSSSS!

Our boy Elon has done it again: from 1st April, Twitter accounts with legacy verification will lose their blue ticks.

You want one? Well, you best shell out $7, sonny.

Even better, our self-made genius entrepreneur made another exciting announcement:

Elon Musk @elonmusk

Starting April 15th, only verified accounts will be eligible to be in For You recommendations. The is the only realistic way to address advanced AI bot swarms taking over. It is otherwise a hopeless losing battle. Voting in polls will require verification for same reason.

All in all? Masterful. Genius. Einsteinian.

No longer will Twitter’s For You feed contain information you may find useful. Instead it’ll be what all public sources of information should be: filled with adverts, sponsored posts, and glorious, glorious paid-for-content.

This switch-up at Twitter is a 4D chess move played like a galaxy-brained Bobby Fischer. Gone are the dumb old days of verified public figures, experts, and bright minds being able to organically reach wide audiences.

And good riddance.

Instead, I welcome this new world, where bootlickers can pay to spray their racist vitriol over as many unsuspecting feeds as possible.

Nature, at last, is healing.

Yet, I still feel uncomfortable. Dissatisfied. As though things could be better — and then it hit me: with the Twitter problem solved, Elon needs to turn his attention elsewhere; there are all kinds of organisations that requiring fixing, after all.

So, if you’re reading, Mr. Musk — which I know you are — here are some suggestions for other sectors and problems you can tackle.

Drinking water

Do you know how little tap water costs? I’m sure you do, Mr. Musk, but as a reminder it’s next-to-nothing. In the Netherlands, it’s just above €100 a year.

A counter point: are you aware of just how expensive bottled water is? A 500ml container from a local store can cost €2 or €3.

You see where I’m going with this?

We have the technology to make drinking water something only for the rich… so what’s stopping us?

Orphanages… and world hunger

Mr. Musk, you’re an inventive thinker, you know the world is filled with problems — and you surely know that those problems can potentially solve one other.

So, let’s consider two of the most pressing issues facing the world. The first is the heartbreaking situation of orphans, or childen with no one to care for them. The second is world hunger.

How about, then, Elon, you gather all those poor, struggling youngsters into one place and grind them up into some sort of delicious gloop that can then be distributed to the hungry?

While I think about it, you should probably be in charge of animal rescue shelters too.

Fire departments

Here’s one for you, Elon: replace the water in fire trucks with petrol. No need to worry about buildings burning down if there aren’t any more buildings.

Plus, it’ll probably keep those oil prices nice and high.

I’m not saying Elon has to do the firefighting (that’s what poor people are for), but maybe when their jobs are taken by robots, the robots can look like him. Is that too much to ask?

Ticketmaster

Mr. Musk, you could… actually, wait, Ticketmaster’s doing as well as can be. Zero notes.

Science

For too long science has been constrained by “research” and “facts” and “peer review” and “accountability.” Under Elon’s beautiful reign, every result will be precisely what he wants.

Covid? There were no deaths.

Teslas? Perfect in every way.

Fascists dominating Twitter? No, just fair discourse.

When we really think about it, the best science is simply what Musk says it is. As it should be. I mean, what has the scientific method ever achieved that he hasn’t?