Pebbling? What the hell even is that?
A new term for a slightly older way of being friends online
It’s strange, isn’t it, friendship. We’re mates because we say we are, connected by the invisible threads of experience. But despite its intangible nature, friendship is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Simply put, good buds improve your life, something even that old fusty spoilsport science can agree with.
But the internet has changed friendship, hasn’t it? Hasn’t it changed it? Changed it? A bit? Hasn’t it? Don’t some people say that tech has driven us apart? Made us isolated and lonely? Hasn’t it done just that? Well, yeah. And no, not really. But also a bit. Tech has changed friendships for good and bad. But for me personally? It’s all about the former.
Which is why I want to talk about pebbling.
There’s something exhilarating about mindlessly behaving in a specific way and discovering there’s a term for it. This process is, to me, why many of us are better at talking about mental health now than our parents’ generation. We’re living in a world where concepts such as “gaslighting” or “setting boundaries” or “coping mechanisms” or “self care” are an innate part of our online vocabulary.
Many of us came across those words young(-ish) and either immediately recognised that behaviour, or were able to categorise it as such when we first encountered it. These weren’t new patterns, but now they had names.
Well, a similar thing happened to me with the term “pebbling” — something you’ll be totally not at all surprised to find out originated with penguins.
“Pebbling? Penguins?? Therapy??? What sort of nonsense is this?” I hear you yell.
Let me elucidate. Gentoo penguins — a species that’s found mainly on sub-Antarctic islands — court potential mates via the medium of pebbles. They deliver these little stones to their preferred partner who, if they accept the attempt at wooing, build a nest using the teensy-tiny rocks. This is known as pebbling.
“And what does this have to do with anything?” you say.
Well, humans do the same thing. But digitally. By sending someone a TikTok or sharing a meme or even just dropping them a message, you’re pebbling. You’re giving them a little gift, just like those cute-ass penguins.
Pebbling in this sense entered popular parlance in May of this year and picked up particular momentum as a type of love language, effectively a way romantic partners show affection to one another. While delightful in its own way, I prefer thinking of it as wider than that, as a part of all modern relationships, platonic or otherwise.
Because, as soon as I read about pebbling, I felt like the Leo meme where he’s pointing at the TV.
Before coming across pebbling, I’d never really delved into why I’ll sometimes shower people with memes or messages. Previously, gun to my head, I’d guess it was a way of saying hello? Making them laugh? Sharing a moment? All those are good, solid answers, but there’s more to it than that. Pebbling is a little love letter.
When someone shares something with you digitally, it’s a sign you’re on their mind, that you’re important enough to take some time out of their day to deliver you a neat package. And this is the cool thing: pebbling didn’t exist before the internet. It’s a modern phenomenon.
Before the onset of the digital age, most gestures of friendship had to be of a certain size, like having a phone call or writing a letter. These are still fantastic ways of interacting, but they’re also a bigger commitment. Pebbling is more of a flow state, a behaviour developing from the fact our phones are inescapable, and our attention spans struggle with stringing a page worth of thoughts together.
Let’s circle back. If many of us are pebbling and engaging with friends online, why does so much research reveal the negative impact social media has on relationships? How is it that the internet makes friendships simultaneously better and worse?
Well, luckily for you, I have a theory.
When we’re online, we interact with people in two main modes: curated and authentic. The former leads to negative emotions, the latter to positive.
Spending too much time in online environments where people deliberately curate an aesthetic is damaging to relationships. It’s things like Instagram stories or people who use group chats to flex. Here, you’re an observer, an outsider looking in, and, whether you like it or not, you’re comparing yourself to that and coming up short.
Online identity curation is not reality, but your mind can’t separate them. This makes you feel anxious and alone.
Authentic interactions are completely different. These are when you’re part of an experience, chatting with someone, growing a relationship, commenting, engaging, or even pebbling.
I’ve realised that when I feel smashed against the rocky shore of the internet, it’ll be the process of reaching out to friends with a meme or message that gets me afloat again. These micro-interactions, when done right, are a kindling for a friendship, they’re a way of keeping in touch, of showing people you care about them.
A term like pebbling seems silly, but, in actuality, is entirely life-affirming. It’s a uniquely modern way of being friends, a behavioural shift that’s an endless delight. Without meaning to, humanity has found a way to be positive in a sea that could swallow us all.
So, go on, send your pals a little love note.