Ranking the newest emojis
A scientific analysis of the utmost importance
You feel that? The change in pressure? The tingle at the end of your fingers? That’s because the winds of change have carried in some new emojis — and that means it’s ranking time, pals.
“Huh?” I hear you cry, “New? Emojis? Ranking? In this climate?”
That’s right. The Unicode Consortium — a body responsible for maintaining Unicode, the text standard that underpins the digital world — has just announced a new batch of emojis.
Earlier this week, the beta of Unicode 16 arrived. With it came seven new emojis. We won’t see these appear on our devices until either the end of this year or start of 2025, but, lord oh lord, are they coming.
I’m sorry to inform you that this means I’m contractually and scientifically obliged to rank these latest emojis by how useful they’ll be. I don’t make the rules, after all.
7) Root vegetable (although clearly a beet)
Useless. Genuinely. What am I meant to do with this? Suggest a stew? Use it in a list to denote that I want a very specific type of food on a grocery list?
The closest thing I can come to is sending it to someone to say they’re a turnip, but it’s clearly not a turnip, that’s a beet. Or possibly a radish.
Bad bad bad emoji, no thank you, sir.
6) Fingerprint
Sure, it’s slightly better than the beet, but that’s such a low bar it’s underground.
Maybe if I was planning an Ocean’s Eleven-style heist via text it’d be useful, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. Also, let’s be honest here, if I was going to plan something like that, I’d choose a much cooler method than text, at least invisible ink or self-destructing digital notes. Give me some credit.
Anyway, that probably won’t happen. It’s hard to find a good crew these days. Because of woke.
5) Harp
Now we’re getting somewhere — an ideal emoji to use when your want your pal to order you a pint of Guinness. No notes.
4) Splat
Classic fun. Look at that. It’s an emoji you can almost hear. Also, let’s not pretend that this won’t be paired with the eggplant emoji to suggest ejaculate. Straight into rotation.
3) Shovel
Okay, yeah, the shovel is boring at first glance, but much like the earth it excavates, it goes deep.
There are two prime examples.
Firstly, say you want more details on a story a friend is telling. Send them the shovel. You’re asking for the scoop. You want that dirt.
Secondly, is someone making a fool of themselves? Doubling down in an argument they’ve clearly lost? Again: send the shovel. You’re telling them they’ve dug themselves into a hole.
Poetry. Pure poetry.
2) Dead tree
Darkness constricts. The weather may be warmer and the days longer, but winter’s ominous nip and howl has switched with the pressure of humidity. Where leaves should bloom there’s only bitterness. The sun is setting. The sun is setting. The night draws in, pythoning around us. Nothing is working nothing is working it all draws in and it never stops, it never stops, nothing grows, why does nothing grow, the best is behind us, why does nothing ever grow, it used to, I swear it used to, it definitely used to, but nothing ever grows, nothing ever grows, god has damned us all, nothing ever grows.
1) Tired face
Me too, pal, every single day, me too.