Prime Day sucks

And this lady's not for turning

Against all odds, Amazon made Prime Day a thing.

And when I say “against all odds” I really mean the complete opposite. The world’s largest retailer succeeding in creating an annual sale named after its subscription service and getting the media to write about it is, on reflection, very likely.

Money is power, after all.

Anyway, whatever the gambling line is on Prime Day, one thing is inescapable: it sucks and it makes me sad.

Oh shit, that’s two things. Close enough.

Once again, I used my Photoshop “skills” for the greater good. This is what I, in my sad state about Prime Day, would look like if I was Jeff Bezos.

So why is Prime Day is the absolute worst?

How about the fact that it’s not actually single day? Eagle-eyed investigators like myself will notice that Prime Day is, in fact, two days. For example, this year it was on the 11th and 12th of July.

I don’t want to be a stickler for, you know, things being actually what they are, but this is too egregious to pass up. It’s not really Prime Day, is it? Maybe it should be called ‘Prime Days’ or ‘Prime Over Two Days’ or ‘Prime Festival’ or ‘Prime 0.29th Of A Week.’

At least these terms are accurate, which is important, because we all know how fastidious The Rectangle is when it comes to counting.

Of course, there’s a lot more than bad maths that bugs me about Prime Day(s); such as the deals themselves being utterly dire.

Yeah, you can find a few bargains if you’re diligent about combing through the offers, but this is a full time job. In reality, most of the “discounts” are either on products with inflated RRPs or complete piles of crap.

If there’s something you already want and you find a great Prime Day deal, that’s excellent, you’ve won the game, congrats. The genuine truth of the matter though is most folks will feel pressured to buy something because Prime Day is just Amazon’s way of creating an artificial sense of scarcity.

“You see this thing?” Amazon asks about an overpriced piece of plastic shit, “It’s only at this low price for TWO DAYS. Buy it now before IT’S TOO DAMN LATE.”

I’m aware this is how “sales” tend to work, but things have a different edge when Amazon are involved and try to make it a cultural event, rather than a simple commercial one.

What depresses me most about Prime Day though is how Amazon has succeeded in making the media suck its dirty toes and say it loves it.

Let me put it this way, every single tech-adjacent publication covers the “event;” from WIRED and The Verge, to The Independent and The New York Times — and everything in between.

You can make an argument that all these titles are just trying to get their readers the best deals — which, on some level, is probably true — but this is far from the full story.

Effectively, every Prime Day deal shared by these sites will include an affiliate link. This means that if someone clicks on a product listed on their publication and buys it, Amazon gives that business a cut of the sale.

Overall, that’s fine. If you buy something on the recommendation of a site, maybe they should get a slice of that purchase.

But Prime Day is different. These media outlets have a vested interest in getting you to buy something at a specific moment, regardless of the quality of what’s being offered. They’re not providing an altruistic service, but one in which they directly profit when you make a purchase.

As someone who has worked in newsrooms and overseen the coverage of “holidays” like this, the writers and editors aren’t deliberately selling you crap, but they are trying to make some money.

And this is why Prime Day sucks on a molecular level.

There’s almost no way you can be an online consumer tech publication and avoid covering Prime Day.

Amazon recognised that the media industry struggles for profitability, and has exploited this. By throwing out a few monetary scraps to publications, it has ensured that everyone has to write about the “celebration.”

I could continue to shit on Prime Day by talking about the range of issues with Amazon itself (including the abuse of its staff, the way it ripped the guts out of small businesses, and its various tax scandals), but that’s besides today’s point.

My Prime Day tirade isn’t directly an anti-Amazon rant. I get why most of us still use the service, because it’s incredibly good at what it does: delivering low-price goods quickly.

I try and swerve Amazon when I can, but sometimes it feels unavoidable. Unfortunately, that’s modern life; we’re morally compromised merely by existing.

No, for me, the problem with Prime Day is more localised.

Its deals suck, the way it manipulates the media sucks, and the whole idea of a single-store sale sucks.

Friends, Prime Day just straight-up sucks.

Yet, at the end of the day, I’m still writing about it — so who’s the one who really sucks?