Throwing the iPhone a sweet sixteen
Planning the sort of party it deserves
Creeps and weirdos, listen up: the iPhone just turned 16.
Announced by Steve Jobs on 9th January 2007, Apple’s phone has defined the mobile and technology industry since its launch.
In fact, the device has been so era-defining that to properly celebrate this anniversary I’ve been forced to throw it a sweet sixteen.
I’m sorry, people, but my hands were tied.
Once Apple executives eventually unbound me, it was off to work deciding what this party should look like.
Thankfully, MTV’s ‘My Super Sweet 16’ exists — and although I’m not going to actually watch any episodes in preparation, I do have a hazy memory of catching it on TV back in the day, so that, to me, is good enough.
Dredging up teenage memories that should probably stay buried (hello there, calling a teacher “daddy”), I vaguely recall that the focus of most ‘My Super Sweet 16’ episodes was party planning.
So, to do that for the iPhone, we need to break the event down into categories. And here they are:
Location
Theme
The host’s outfit
Guest list
Method of arrival
Gift
The meltdown
Let’s get these things answered.
Location
A big decision. A huge one. Where would be fitting for the most popular gadget of all time? Somewhere that represents its dominance? Its success? Its inescapableness?
The Moon.
Imagine forcing the entire Earth to watch as the iPhone cavorts across that rocky surface, baring its tempered glass ass at the billions not cool enough to get an invite.
Throwing a party on the Moon will be a visible spectacle, one that seems tantalisingly close, but simultaneously far, far away — echoing the feeling of finding out how much the new iPhone costs.
Theme
Searching my creaking brain, I seemed to remember that most sweet sixteens involved some sort of theme. I can’t actually recall any concrete examples of this, but it seems likely enough, so we’ll stick with it.
In our case, the iPhone will tell attendees to wear green. A very specific shade of green. Why? That’s down to…
…the host’s outfit
Because the iPhone and other VIPs will be dressed in iMessage blue.
There’s little more ‘iPhone’ than ensuring people know they don’t matter, not even the tiniest, most minuscule bit.
Guest list
A big part of a sweet sixteen is curating the invite list. Deciding who’s in and who’s out.
This is another easy one to sort out: anyone who can afford it. The Moon is pretty big after all.
Method of arrival
The limo was the most common way people arrived at their parties on ‘My Super Sweet 16,’ but why should the iPhone stick to convention?
No, it’d be far more fitting to turn up at its party the same way it arrived into the world: on the back of enslaved Uyghurs.
It’s only traditional, after all.
Gift
At some point in a sweet sixteen, the person whose party it is receives a gift. Or at least I think they do. That may just be a regular birthday party, but let’s evolve past such petty concerns.
If you’re wondering what it’ll be for the iPhone, don’t. It’s money. Shit tons of money. A huge, bulging pile of cash it can jump into like Scrooge McDuck, enough currency to load into sacks emblazoned with dollar signs the iPhone can use to beat homeless people to death with.
The meltdown
If there’s one thing I do remember from ‘My Super Sweet 16’ it’s the meltdowns.
It seemed a pretty common occurence that, at some point, every rich kid who agreed to be on the show threw an almighty tantrum because the bunting was the wrong shade of white or their gift wasn’t expensive enough or they didn’t like the way the party planner smelled.
What do I expect the iPhone to throw a fit about?
My money’s on a USB-C port or cable. It’s gonna see one of those and lose its fucking shit.
You know what? The iPhone’s sweet sixteen sounds tight. I hope I get an invite, but, after this piece, somehow, I doubt I’ll make the cut.
the ass seems like balls, great newsletter tho