Hey Elon, I can help
A simple guide to getting you more attention
Elon. How’s it going, pal? I’d ask if you were okay, but you’re obviously not.
Whether it’s stealing other people’s jokes for likes or making your posts appear on everyone’s Twitter feeds, it’s clear you’re after one thing and one thing only: attention.
And, Elon, you know what? It’s okay. I feel you. I understand; I’m a manchild desperate for external validation too.
Shhh, don’t cry, everything will be fine. Rest your oversized head on my broad, swelling chest. Feel my fingers gently running through your hair transplant. Close your eyes while I plant a baby-soft kiss on your forehead and help you get all the attention you’ll ever need.
Change Twitter’s ‘For You’ tab… but properly this time
Just over a week ago, even Twitter users who don’t follow Musk had their ‘For You’ feed bombarded with posts from you.
Elon, my dearest, this didn’t go far enough.
I clearly noticed other people’s tweets on Twitter throughout. No more. It should be just you, baby, all you. Nothing but you. A thousand tweets a second of you. For all time. You.
Even if people repeatedly and insistently say they don’t want a site that’s only Elon Musk posts, never forget they’re just lying. And jealous. And probably beta-cuck losers too.
And use ChatGPT to make sure nice things are being said
If any tweets that aren’t posted by you are visible on Twitter, they should be saying vital things like “Where’s Elon?”
After all, it wouldn’t be becoming to find out how people really feel about you.
You may think you’ll need to use Neuralink to make randomers stroke your ego, but AI is a much better option.
Use some of that massive wealth to make a ChatGPT-powered bot that endlessly tweets things about how super cool and handsome and funny and smart and well-endowed and clever and beautiful and clever and funny and smart you are.
Shitpost in space
You have space stuff right, Elon? And we know you love edgy comedy, things like saying 420, 69, and making Tesla cars spell S3XY.
Thing is, lots of people aren’t on Twitter to see you crack these awesome jokes. But you know what people can see? The fucking sky.
Get SpaceX to stop all these rocket launches and the like. Instead, they should focus on writing your awesome tweets in the sky so everyone can benefit from your wisdom.
Rename Tesla
Maybe the Musk Mobile or Elon Electric. Just think of all that free attention Nikola Tesla is getting because the car was named after him. Disgraceful. That could all be yours.
YouTube boxing
Elon, being a CEO is… fine. I guess. But you’re living in the past.
Let me ask you this: where do people with crushing self-esteem issues go to get as much attention as possible? Yes, you got it, YouTube.
And what do those who are hungriest for external validation do? Exactly! Box each other.
My advice would be to take enough PEDs to make a warship vascular and then arrange a boxing match with someone substantially smaller and weaker than you.
Trust me, beating them up is going to make you feel so, so good.
Elon, things will be okay, I promise.
Even better, I have a lot more ideas than these. So just give me a call, okay? From one manchild to another, I think we can work something out.